Joyful Noise | catacosmosis

I basically randomly put this together while waiting on the cable guy today (still a no show thus far) and the whole time I had my cousin Gail on my mind. It was after a conversation we’d had about the horses and a thing I’d taken away (or been reminded of – you can read about that @alifespiral) from that… So I suppose in some way this song is for her.

All it takes is one drop of kindness, of patience, of showing confidence in someone, of just giving love to someone, to make create a ripple effect in their life that helps them onward through very difficult and trying times. Without my cousin and her faith in me, I don’t know how much faith I’d really have in myself today. It’s been a trying year (from this time last year to now) and the trials will continue (with my mom and her health) but I am so much more confident and aware now of just how strong I am.

Thank you, Gail…for all the times you listened, called me out, and pushed me onward. I love ya. ❤️

Lunar Reflections | catacosmosis

I often stare at the moon, reflecting on the things that are in progress in my life. I’ve always done this, even as a child. It’s as though she understands.

“The moon is a loyal companion.

It never leaves. It’s always there, watching, steadfast, knowing us in our light and dark moments, changing forever just as we do. Every day it’s a different version of itself. Sometimes weak and wan, sometimes strong and full of light. The moon understands what it means to be human.

Uncertain. Alone. Cratered by imperfections.”

—Tahereh Mafi

Over a year ago, I did something I never thought I’d have to do. Because doctors were not helping me with my mother (who has dementia and is getting worse), I contacted adult protective services on my own to beg for help. The state came through, albeit an extremely slow process. They sent a wonderful man by the name of Mr. Hardin out to my mom’s home to evaluate things and he immediately agreed, upon meeting my mom and seeing the state of what I was dealing with (alone, as an only child), that I needed and deserved help in dealing with her.

That day back in January of 2018, I started a process of trying to get guardianship of my mother. Not something fun. Not a responsibility any human being really “wants” to have, but one that I knew in my heart was necessary. Now, we have reached a point where I need conservatorship, as well. And this is posing a problem at a number of levels. Alas, the doctors have all finally come through and given the state the information, documentation, and support that was needed to start a court case and here we are.

Except, today I found out that there is a thing called a “conservatorship bond,” and it’s something I have to not only pay for myself (which is hilarious because the reason for filing for legal guardianship and conservatorship for my mom is mostly financial – or the lack of finances, rather, for being able to put her into a better living situation with round the clock care or even in home care) but also something I have to qualify for based on my credit history. My credit history is not perfect, I’m not ashamed to say, because of student loans (which I have recently managed to get out of default, but still…). This could easily put a cramp in things, depending on the judge who hears the case.

I am anxious, I am stressed, I am worried, I am just almost at a loss. I have fought for so long to be able to legally care for my mother in the ways in which she needs care but refuses to allow me to care for her on my own, and in ways that a simple POA will not effect. And here I am, at risk of not being able to receive the legal help I need because of student loans and credit history and my disabilities due to mental illness (major depression, PTSD, extreme anxiety, etc.).

I just want to be able to take care of my mother and the law says, “you may not be competent.” Well, I’ve been competent enough for the last three years since my dad died to do so. And nothing has changed about that, except I am stronger and have learned so much about taking care of someone with her issues and illnesses. I don’t know what to do anymore.

I just want it to be over.

Hopefully within the next month I will FINALLY hear from a state appointed lawyer. Hopefully by the end of the year, I will be given my day in court with my mother to plead for the ability to care for her properly, make decisions she can’t, and make sure her bills are being paid (which they are not, at least not regularly, now).

If anyone reads this and has been in this situation or has any words of wisdom, I’d really appreciate reading them. I’m slowly coming to an end with my ability to see any positives about any of this, except keeping my mother alive…

“They say you get a totally new body every 7 years. Can you imagine?

It’s not like you walk in and ask for one. You don’t go in and say, “I want that skinny one with no issues and no scars.” No – it’s done cell by cell, day by day. Would you really chose a new body over this one that has carried you through so much?

I would debate it long and hard but eventually I’d stick with this one. Why? Because even though I want that fresh start, I want the one that is scarred, the one that’s embarrassed, the one that carries so much shame and hate because it only leaves me with room to grow and room to learn and a new chance to reclaim myself and my actions. I can’t pick and chose which parts of my body to exchange the same way I can’t pick and chose which pieces of my history to have lived through.

This may be a new body (technically speaking) but she’s still the same soul. A soul that wants to apologise to everyone for anything and everything. A soul that still misses some of the rocks and some of the mountains (not all because let’s face it, I’m still human and I will forever aim a flame to some bridges that will thankfully forever be ashes) but ultimately I’m a paradox.

I refuse to return to where I was all those cells ago. I couldn’t even if I wanted to. I’m a soul that is a lot happier, a lot stronger, a lot braver, a lot smarter, a lot more compassionate, a lot more understanding, a lot more willing, a lot more forgiving, a lot more stubborn, a lot more fulfilled, a lot more mature, more guarded, more careful, more respectful, more educated and left with a lot more love to give.

You see, for every memory I have from the past <40> years, I’ve learned that it wasn’t just my story that was being written. It was everyone’s, and even if I played the villain, or the bad guy, or was just simply a blip in one chapter of someone else’s, my book will be written solely by me and I refuse to carry the burden of every single dog eared, tear stained, half ripped page that led me to this point.

Thank you for helping me write everything up until now but I’m starting a new page. One that is empty and ready to be scrawled upon, one that some of you may or may not be a part of, but ultimately one that will be decided not by guilt, shame, hurt or embarrassment but by each new cell that is me.

–@beautifullymadebadlyfinished

Hey y’all. What’s going on in the world of WP?

I’m just gonna put it all out there like it is. I have not been very good at keeping up with this site. I’ve been struggling to keep up with ANYTHING. But clearly, with the new year, it’s societally correct to “start over.” I’m not doing that – I’m just gonna work on the “continuing” of things.

My idea is to simply post.  I have NO plan as to scheduling, post content, or anything else (although I would like to share more of my music here, thanks to the inspiration and advice of my incredibly talented and successful friends Vincent Corver and Andrew Huang).

The best I can do is try to give myself the time and the space I deserve to express myself – that’s been a huge part of what’s been holding me back in the past year. I got back on Facebook for a minute but I just can’t deal with Facebook. There’s no point in trying to share artistically there, and everything else (personal page related) is a great big political downer. I finally just deactivated because I’m so sick of Trump just the mention of his name makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit and almost go into a panic attack.

So. I’ve been focusing on sharing creative links (my own and those of others) via Twitter and Instagram the past couple of days, with a lot more interaction and a lot more friendliness. And now, here I am. Just ready to dump some music and photos and words on ya. Kind of like the old me used to do. I like the old me pretty much the way she was. 😉

With that, I’m gonna shout out my friend Andrew Huang here by sharing one of his recent releases with you and ask you to check it out, and stay tuned for more of my own creative outbursts, as they come.

Thanks for sticking around. Happy new year, y’all. Wishing the best of everything to and for everyone.

Much love,

C.

As a child and young teenager I felt like the most unwanted, unloved, motherless human being on the planet. This morning I am reminded that I have had more mothers than I prayed for in those days (and probably more than I deserved), and that blooming takes time but it’s beauty is worth continuing on to experience, to behold within, and perhaps someday express or offer to someone else.

This morning I am reminded that the universe has ALWAYS surrounded me with strong, courageous, positive, mothering and loving women who have given me the lessons and the benefits of their strength and even sometimes their weakness, their hope, their courage, their experience and their love – even when they haven’t realized it, even though they weren’t my birth or adoptive mothers.

This morning I am grateful – grateful for who they were and are, and grateful for who I was, have become, and will be because of the many lights they have shone in my life. I am reminded of my personal belief that we do not become who we are and we don’t bloom into our whole selves because we do it all alone – there are always those lights in our lives to outshine our darkest moments and feed our souls like sunshine. Sometimes the sources of that light are people (and animals) – whether strangers in the market line or at the post office, strangers online who make us smile or even become true friends and inspirations, or people in our daily lives who become our friends, whether they remain in our lives for long or a short time…whether they still live or they pass away.

This morning I am…very simply put…overwhelmingly grateful – for the lights that have shone on me in th past and the ones that continue to do so – the glints and gleams that illuminate and encourage my spirit, that help me to grow and ever evolve into a better me than I was each day that’s come before.

Finally, this morning I am reminded of a very important thing for my soul self: Motherly love is not a label or a static characteristic – it’s a state of being…and it can come from just about anywhere, if you’re open to receive it. I am. ❤️

Vision: iPhone 6, Olloclip

Tools: Mextures (formula SRPVZKE)