We’re just beyond halfway through the year…and almost to the one year mark of the absolute hardest, most painful, confusing, life altering, growth experiencing, self-realizing, up and down, holding tightly and finally releasing, complicated, spirit and universal energy filled years of my life.
As I’ve sat with the boy today, just doing much of nothing at home, I’ve cleaned off the images on my iPad and I came across this one at the very end. Perfect timing – I sat and thought about what I just wrote, and this image and what it represents to me now versus what it represented to me when I took it. It’s still exactly the same:
Live gently. Be kind. Look up and work through and keep going or look down and get hit by all the stuff life WILL continue to throw and finally just become swallowed. Be conscious. Express yourself. Slow down and experience all that exists around and within you. Focus on YOU. Then everything else falls into place. I promise…
My “everything” hasn’t fallen back into place yet, not this year, but it’s all well on it’s way to being whole again, as am I. What I’ve told myself for as long as I can remember (what I shared above) is true. I am confident in that. I am confident in me.
I am continuously grieving and expressing that grief and that process, but I am hopeful. I am still in pain at some levels, and at some levels always will be…but I am understanding now how to live with it and still be joyful. I am understanding these hollow pieces of myself and how precious they are BECAUSE they’ll never be filled again. I am grateful and I am proud of the progress I’ve made, even if I’m the only one who can see it.
Life is good, even when it’s hard, because it’s mine and I’m living it. I’m facing certain struggles and I’m taking the steps I need to take to overcome them. I’m taking control of what I can control and I’m OK with releasing what I can’t control and what doesn’t serve me. My heart is as big as it’s ever been, and my soul is beginning to open up again.
I can’t help but feel tears in my eyes as I feel the bittersweet feeling of choosing to heal… Healing just means it’s not going to stay raw forever, it doesn’t mean there won’t be a scar. It’ll be bumped by holidays and big events and milestones that I reach and it’ll ache often at first, and then every once in a while. But I’m learning, and becoming whole by choice. Not by chance, not by coincidence, not by luck…by choice. I have too much spirit in me to allow or expect any less.
Yes, look up. Keep going. Be present. Be real. Be aware. Be expressive. Be YOU. All the advice I’ve always expressed to others, especially to my son – I try to live it. As Maya Angelou once said, “I would like to be known as an intelligent woman, a courageous woman, a loving woman, a woman who teaches by being.” I am being. The person I most hope that teaches something to is my son.
I hope you’re all having a beautiful weekend, friends. Many blessings and much love to you…