It’s really a wonder that I haven’t dropped all my ideals, because they seem so absurd and impossible to carry out. Yet I keep them, because in spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart.

—Anne Frank, The Diary of a Young Girl

Mextures Formula: CLABPXZ

As a child and young teenager I felt like the most unwanted, unloved, motherless human being on the planet. This morning I am reminded that I have had more mothers than I prayed for in those days (and probably more than I deserved), and that blooming takes time but it’s beauty is worth continuing on to experience, to behold within, and perhaps someday express or offer to someone else.

This morning I am reminded that the universe has ALWAYS surrounded me with strong, courageous, positive, mothering and loving women who have given me the lessons and the benefits of their strength and even sometimes their weakness, their hope, their courage, their experience and their love – even when they haven’t realized it, even though they weren’t my birth or adoptive mothers.

This morning I am grateful – grateful for who they were and are, and grateful for who I was, have become, and will be because of the many lights they have shone in my life. I am reminded of my personal belief that we do not become who we are and we don’t bloom into our whole selves because we do it all alone – there are always those lights in our lives to outshine our darkest moments and feed our souls like sunshine. Sometimes the sources of that light are people (and animals) – whether strangers in the market line or at the post office, strangers online who make us smile or even become true friends and inspirations, or people in our daily lives who become our friends, whether they remain in our lives for long or a short time…whether they still live or they pass away.

This morning I am…very simply put…overwhelmingly grateful – for the lights that have shone on me in th past and the ones that continue to do so – the glints and gleams that illuminate and encourage my spirit, that help me to grow and ever evolve into a better me than I was each day that’s come before.

Finally, this morning I am reminded of a very important thing for my soul self: Motherly love is not a label or a static characteristic – it’s a state of being…and it can come from just about anywhere, if you’re open to receive it. I am. ❤️

Vision: iPhone 6, Olloclip

Tools: Mextures (formula SRPVZKE)

11 years ago today, where we used to live in Coosa County. Actually this was taken in 2004 but I edited it and posted it 11 years ago today.

A lot of days I miss it. Not today, but a lot of days. I’m also very grateful for where we are now in many ways. Especially with depression, but maybe for everyone, peace comes and goes.

I see people strive so hard to attain peace when the reality is that it just comes and goes. Sometimes, it’s even harder to attain when you’re working so hard to find it. Sometimes, most of the time, if it’s to be had it’s just right there within. That’s been my experience.

We are human. It’s hard to be at peace in a world where you see so much that is wrong – abused children and elderly and animals and women and even men, hell, people in general. Wars. TRUMP. Capitalism. Most everyone getting the short end of a very fucked up stick… Yes – if you have any compassion or heart at all, if you care anything at all about others, it’s very hard to live in this world and have a constant feeling of peace.

But, we can speak kindly, offer a hand, take responsibility and apologize when we have not behaved our best, and do our best not to be a part of the problem. Of course we always will be because for most of us there is no way not to be a consumer. But you get what I’m saying, right? Peace comes and goes. Good times and bad times fluctuate – just like weight and the economy and lots of other things.

The only certain thing for me is that one day I’ll be dead and a few generations after that I’ll be forgotten and cease to matter. I intend to make it count while I’m here – and that’s what we did back then. I’m grateful to be where I am today. I wouldn’t trade a thing for my child. But the days back when this was taken? Not even gonna lie. Best days of my life.

Nothing can beat the freedom of that life. The people I had around me. The beauty and seclusion of where I lived. The lack of worry and responsibility for another human being…. Easy times. And we knew it. And we lived it to the fullest. And I’m grateful for every memory and experience. ❤️❤️

I hope that you have a lovely day today…

All the love,

C.


We’re just beyond halfway through the year…and almost to the one year mark of the absolute hardest, most painful, confusing, life altering, growth experiencing, self-realizing, up and down, holding tightly and finally releasing, complicated, spirit and universal energy filled years of my life.

As I’ve sat with the boy today, just doing much of nothing at home, I’ve cleaned off the images on my iPad and I came across this one at the very end. Perfect timing – I sat and thought about what I just wrote, and this image and what it represents to me now versus what it represented to me when I took it. It’s still exactly the same:

Live gently. Be kind. Look up and work through and keep going or look down and get hit by all the stuff life WILL continue to throw and finally just become swallowed. Be conscious. Express yourself. Slow down and experience all that exists around and within you. Focus on YOU. Then everything else falls into place. I promise…

My “everything” hasn’t fallen back into place yet, not this year, but it’s all well on it’s way to being whole again, as am I. What I’ve told myself for as long as I can remember (what I shared above) is true. I am confident in that. I am confident in me.

I am continuously grieving and expressing that grief and that process, but I am hopeful. I am still in pain at some levels, and at some levels always will be…but I am understanding now how to live with it and still be joyful. I am understanding these hollow pieces of myself and how precious they are BECAUSE they’ll never be filled again. I am grateful and I am proud of the progress I’ve made, even if I’m the only one who can see it.
Life is good, even when it’s hard, because it’s mine and I’m living it. I’m facing certain struggles and I’m taking the steps I need to take to overcome them. I’m taking control of what I can control and I’m OK with releasing what I can’t control and what doesn’t serve me. My heart is as big as it’s ever been, and my soul is beginning to open up again.

I can’t help but feel tears in my eyes as I feel the bittersweet feeling of choosing to heal… Healing just means it’s not going to stay raw forever, it doesn’t mean there won’t be a scar. It’ll be bumped by holidays and big events and milestones that I reach and it’ll ache often at first, and then every once in a while. But I’m learning, and becoming whole by choice. Not by chance, not by coincidence, not by luck…by choice. I have too much spirit in me to allow or expect any less.

Yes, look up. Keep going. Be present. Be real. Be aware. Be expressive. Be YOU. All the advice I’ve always expressed to others, especially to my son – I try to live it. As Maya Angelou once said, “I would like to be known as an intelligent woman, a courageous woman, a loving woman, a woman who teaches by being.” I am being. The person I most hope that teaches something to is my son.

I hope you’re all having a beautiful weekend, friends. Many blessings and much love to you…

C.

Butterflies make me miss her. She loved butterflies as much as I love dragonflies. Her side of the front porch table was a butterfly and my side was a dragonfly. Her butterfly said, “Hope.” My dragonfly said, “Believe.” ❤️

 

“It hurts to wait for someone who is never coming back again.”

 

I am like a boat in the sea, and my seemingly never ending grief is a storm. My storm is raging, and yet again I find myself amidst a hurricane. I’m tired – I’ve barely gotten past one life altering storm before another has begun, over and over, for the last few years. Yet somehow I keep going, and somehow I am still here.

I think…hope is the anchor that keeps me from foundering and going under. I do have hope – some valid and some false and I try to differentiate the two within myself. Regardless, an anchor is dependent on two things: the chain that tethers it to the boat, and the solid ground that it grabs hold of when it is thrown out. But to have hope – to have and to hold on to faith – in the midst of my life’s storms…that’s what carries me. To believe in SOMETHING – sometimes myself, sometimes fate and the Universe and “something bigger,” sometimes the existence of some unseen and indescribable sixth sense – what my hope and faith is changes for me from day to day but to believe in something and to never allow myself to stop believing in SOMETHING… That’s how I go on.

My chain is invisible and I’m not sure what it’s made of…and it’s as though the ground my anchor digs into is my faith itself. Yes, it has wavered and the anchor has lifted and I begin to float and rock about every now and again. Ultimately, though? There is only one way for me, and it’s how I’ve been my entire life – forward.

Sometimes it’s slower than others, but it’s always…onward. Life goes on and so do I. But I’ll tell you, it hurts like a son of a bitch most all the time lately, even when I’m focusing on what’s real and good and right in my life; even as grateful and aware as I am and try to be.

💙

I haven’t done this in a very long time. I started a digital painting last night, over one of my shots from my walk in the woods yesterday. This is where it ended. Maybe it blows – I don’t know what to think of it. Ha… I suppose that my darkness took over my usual desire to see the brighter side of things…of ALL of these things.

Nothing is as dark as it seems – not from the outside of it all. Yet at times I do feel this enveloping feeling – almost a suffocation of things unseen…of the past, and of an uncertain future (who has a certain future, anyway, really?)…and in choosing to see or to show a brighter, more hopeful side I’m really just grasping blindly in front of me, hoping that it really looks the way I imagine it – light, which is the way I try to present it – to myself and everyone else. It works most days. But, I guess when it comes to digital painting, we see a more realistic current view inside my mind.

Twisted, right, for a woman who appears to have it all? That’s true on the surface and I’m not ungrateful. It’s just different from the inside, when I’m feeling invisible and completely irrelevant, feeling like a ghost even when I’m surrounded by many; and I sometimes think, “if I could just bring them back…” But how silly is that? Because in some cases it would be worse for them to be with me – and I’d only lose them all over again. So, onward, and allowing these moments to pass just as they came – ever flowing, always changing.

EVERYTHING is always illusion – especially emotions. That’s just how it works, and I know I’m not the only one. Or so I tell myself…

**Lumix GF3, Mextures, MasterFX, iPad.

Mextures Formula – STITTPQ