Tag: scattered light

The First Illusion

How can an illusion free an illusion?

It can’t.

Impossible.

And yet, freedom itself is not impossible.

But what we often mistake for freedom is only substitution. We trade one mask for another, one prison for another, one dream for another.

Replacing one illusion with another does not set us free. It does not bring liberation. It simply shifts us deeper into what I sometimes call non-happening happening — the endless cycle of movement that looks like change but never truly is.

So where, then, is freedom?

Maybe it’s in understanding that simple truth.

Maybe it’s in seeing clearly that nothing we have called “freedom” has ever been real freedom at all.

Maybe that was the point, all along.

Is that awakening?

Awakening as Death

Awakening is the death of the familiar.

Because what is “familiar” to us — what we call “our life,” “our personality,” “our world” — is illusion.

Nothing we are familiar with is actually real. None of it is actually us.

We are not real. We are not what we think — what we are told — we are. And yet, here we are.

So when awakening comes, it feels like death. Because it is death — the falling away of everything we thought was “me.”

And without that death, there is no birth of what was real all along.

Meaning Before and After

Before awakening, there is no meaning of our own.

The only meaning available to us is what others have told us is meaningful. Parents, teachers, religions, governments, lovers, friends, enemies, cultures, systems — all of them have fed us their meanings.

And we absorbed them as if they were truth.

We were conditioned to believe meaning is handed down, not discovered.

We were punished for expressing anything antithetical.

Yes, that is a word. I did not make it up. I checked, as always, when I returned from the other side.

I digress.

Even when we think we are thinking for ourselves — are we? Have we ever? Do we even know how?

This is the prison of the familiar.

But those of us who have never been able to simply swallow it — those of us who have spent our lives being told we are crazy, too deep, over-analytical, antithetical — maybe we’ve always been a little closer to freedom.

Because we have always been with ourselves. We have always lived in the company of our own questioning. Our own introspection.

And that has saved us.

Moving Through Darkness into Light

My entire life has been this movement — through darkness into light.

And then again. And again.

I never stayed still in a 3D thought long enough to let ideology calcify around me. Never settled enough into the world’s definitions of reality to say: “Yes, this is it. This is reality. This is me. This is final.”

No.

I couldn’t.

Always, incessantly, I questioned. I sought. I chased myself. I chased I am.

Because each time I reached for that exactness, that rigidity, something in me would die. And something deeper would awaken.

So instead, I’ve kept moving. Through darkness, into light.

Through lies, into truth.

Through death, into life.

Over and over again.

And each time, what I found was not more of “me,” but less.

Until I began to understand that the “me” I thought was the center of the story was never the point at all.

And then, I actually… died.

And then, I came back!

What?

I know. That’s what I said, too.

And that is when the fullness of both illusion and irrelevance were clear to me, and the illusion and irrelevance… both shattered.

Freedom.

The Irrelevance of “Me”

“Me” is irrelevant.

Yet somehow, everything has always been about me.

That’s the paradox.

The small “me” — the conditioned self, the mask, the name, the history — means nothing. It is dust. Illusion. A temporary construction.

But the deeper “I” — the one who moves through the dying and the awakening, the one who is aware of even that dust falling away — that “I” has always been the ground of everything.

So in a sense, “me” does not exist.

And in another sense, “me” is all that has ever existed.

It was always… the I Am.

The Misunderstanding

This will be misunderstood.

Mostly by anyone and everyone who reads it.

If they even make it past the first few lines.

Because illusion defends itself. It doesn’t like being called what it is.

But misunderstanding doesn’t matter.

Life takes care of itself.

Life Happens

Even when you are not there to see it, life still happens.

Everything still unfolds — rivers flow, winds move, earth shifts.

Even if you choose inaction — even if you refuse to eat, drink, or sleep — things still happen. The body dies, yes, but death itself is a happening.

Because everything is always happening. Always in motion.

Even in stillness, there is happening.

And everything that happens has a result. Even nothingness produces consequence.

Life is self-correcting. Even ungrounded, it finds its own balance.

Sometimes that balance looks toxic. Sometimes it looks destructive. But it is always balance. Always motion. Always happening.

Death Must Occur

Death, then, is necessary.

Not the physical death we fear — not suicide, not the cutting short of the body’s days.

Though that death is really not all that bad, in my experience.

The dying part itself is no fun.

The death?

Too many words — words are funny for this one; there is not a word, other than death.

It is nothing, and everything.

Alpha, omega.

I am.

Here? What must die is the illusory self.

The self we defend, cling to, and worship without even knowing it. The self we call “me.”

That death is the doorway.

The Last Illusion

And yet, even here, there is a final paradox:

If the self is illusion, then death is illusion too.

Which means — death cannot free us either.

Because an illusion cannot free an illusion.

I do not fear.

Why is none of this terrifying to me?

Maybe because fear only exists where there is something to lose. And what I am losing was never real in the first place.

Maybe because I have already died a thousand small deaths, the fear has already been burnt out of me.

Maybe because I saw it:

That what I am cannot die.

And maybe that — quiet, simple, unshaken — is what freedom has always been.

✨

xo,

c.