I learned…

You have the power to overcome conditioning –
especially conditioning you’ve done to yourself…
Patterns.
Obstacles.
Regrets.
Even fears.
It takes bravery, but it rests within you.
Be compassionate toward yourself,
Believe and see – you have the ability to heal the wounds that bring your anger,
that slice you open,
that feel like ghosts who just won’t follow the light and leave you be…
Forgiveness of self,
understanding is yours…
Now take the reigns and seek the changes,
do not doubt,
do not fear.
Know that you can change these patterns –
thoughts,
wants,
expectations of self…
You can do so much,
you can pray so much,
you can love so much –
others and yourself.
But
life will always happen
on life’s terms.
There is no other way.
Understand that no matter what you have chosen
or what you choose,
what you know,
or think you know,
what you wish for,
or what you loathe,
life will rise and fall,
come and go.
There is true peace to be found,
and felt…
but only within yourself,
and only when you let go and allow it…
only when you give yourself the opportunity
and the gift you need…
Only you know what that is.
It’s the only way.
~C.

Never

Sometimes,

a thing needs to get lost,

never to be found again,

before I realize just how much

it really meant to me while I had it.

Her laugh,

her smile,

her scent,

her softness,

the sparkle in her eyes

when I’d tell her the secrets of my heart…

and the fire in them

when I’d tell her the pain in it.

I never expected to have a “her”

in my life.

I never expected “her”

to last twenty years…

Then, cancer.

Three years later,

three years since the end,

I’m more convinced than ever I

never will again.

Sometimes a thing,

like this one,

doesn’t get lost.

It is taken.

Stolen away,

for what seems like no reason at all.

That pain never heals.

Never.

~C.

Silver Light

Respect her.

She is not there for your convenience,

she is there because she wants to be.

If she makes time for you,

respect it.

It is a gift.

If she talks to you,

don’t just listen.

Hear her.

She wants to be heard.

If she touches your heart,

carry her there always.

She is not random chance,

or a gamble.

She is not a toy.

She is light…

not just a random spark

in the ether –

she is the fucking sun.

She is silver light

on the horizon…

~C.

 

 

I wonder…

I wonder…

what is underneath that smile,

what hides behind that sparkle in your eyes.

if you are as strong,

as confident,

as your acitons express,

or if you carry hidden burdens

and an aching in your soul

that only you can see.

I wonder if you are like me…

C.

Then There Was You

My life was crashing

down all around me.

The rubble –

it was ugly

and the cloud of dust it created

was too dense to see through.

I thought I would suffocate.

And then,

there was you…

You saw me through that cloud

when I couldn’t even see myself.

I don’t know how,

or why…

but I could suddenly breathe again…

Because then,

there was you.

C.

Live

LIVE your life.

Be who you were

before the world told you

that you had to be someone else.

Be all the things

life has told you not to be –

open,

forward,

brave,

unashamed,

unafraid.

Be a radical nonconformist,

let your spirit blaze.

Be unrestrained in your fervor,

in your passion…

Be wild.

Be free.

C.

Cancer | A Poem

**A memory…**

 

It is…

Dark soul…

Untamable.

Black.

Deep space, ever deepening.

Always expanding, demanding.

Churning black hole, hollow.

Sucking me in everyday,

Spitting me out every night.

Holding me hostage.

Prisoner.

Chained.

Bound.

Aching.

Swallowed.

But holding on.

No choice in the blackness.

Can’t afford to get lost…

Yet…

Feel my way around it…

Hold on to what can’t be seen:

Angel wings.

Butterflies in spring.

Positive thoughts.

Energetic streams.

Consciousness.

“They need…me.”

Private tears.

Silent screams.

Memories blur.

Sleep.

Restless dreams, where she smiles.

Brightness, but not enough to pull me out of pain.

Rain.

Tears inside.

Anger.

Resentment.

 

Shower it all away.

Scrub until the skin is as raw as the pain inside.

Sing Tiny Dancer…

Cancer…

Churning sucking churning sucking churn suck churn churn churn churn.

Today I thought we’d lost her.

((09-15-14))