Lesson From a Nope Rope

I believe this is a hybrid rattlesnake – the product of a timber rattler and a diamondback. I could be wrong.

So, this is raw. I never edited any of this. I have so much b-roll stuff from our hikes and stuff and I pick and choose bits here and there when I produce something. This is some of that footage that I came across when getting my stuff together for the project I’m working on.

I’m glad I came across this. I’d forgotten about it. It reminded of something about myself that I think a lot of people tend to misjudge. Don’t be led astray by my mostly nice, friendly, patient and overly kind demeanor. Don’t think I’m as ignorant as I might look. Don’t think I don’t know things just because I don’t say them out loud. I’m kind – not stupid. I am not afraid of much, not even poisonous snakes in the grass. Thing is, the worst snakes in the grass are people – it’s really the wrong phrase to use to describe a sneaky, lying, abusive human fool. Kind of an insult to snakes, if you ask me…

You see how calm this nope rope is? Maybe it just ate (doesn’t much look like it). Maybe it was a little cool (doubt it because I was sweating like crazy – this was a humid, warm July morning). Actual snakes don’t want to bother you. They really don’t. Maybe this dude just didn’t feel threatened by me. Animals rarely do. Only God knows why that is. But I can tell you this:

I wasn’t afraid of getting close to this guy, even if maybe I should’ve been, but I also was not stupid enough to try to handle it. No – I’m only that stupid when it comes to people. I never used to be the “once bitten, twice shy” type. I used to let them strike me and just forgive and pretend things were fine. I would give a person every reason to believe in me and make sure they knew that I still believed in them and cared about them. I would be willfully ignorant to the point that I was breaking my own heart.

But you know what people do? Even “family?” They don’t see that. They don’t see your heart. They don’t see your actions. They don’t see what you do for them because you love them. They just see what they want and take it from you and go on. Many times they don’t even need be provoked. They’ll strike out of the blue, with no warning at all – unlike this guy, who would have at least warned me. Thing with people is, you have to let them do it more than once. So don’t let them, because if they continually behave in ways that hurt you and refuse to respect you? They’re never going to change. Have no doubt – I have finally learned that lesson.

Today? Once bitten? I’m absolutely going to be twice shy. Still kind, with the same heart beating inside of me, but I’ll never trust you again. Once I’m done, I’m done. And if I ever reach that point with you, you have only yourself and your own behavior to blame. Just ask my father in law. His life wasn’t in vain. He taught all of us this lesson.

So here’s the thing…

Yesterday I texted a couple of people to tell them directly about my lupus diagnosis and I said, “I win! Yay!” One of them texted me back saying nothing but, “it’s not a game or a competition.” I said, “well I didn’t mean it that way – I sarcastically meant I win at life… Kinda like when I say ‘fuck doctors’ ftw (for the win).”

So here’s the thing…

I say off the cuff, smartass things like that because I feel exactly the opposite – that’s what sarcasm is to me. It’s me being “darkly positive.” It’s me feeling like I’m speaking power into my body and soul to deal with myself. They told me that was unhealthy. I thought, “so is being depressed and/or suicidal but because that can’t be seen it’s not real to you…” Which mindset is healthier? People are funny. Especially when they beat you down for things that are EXACTLY like their own mindset or behavior but it’s fine for them, just not for you. 😂

Anyway, the only other thing they said was that I needed to go raw because that was the only way to eliminate chemicals from my diet and I thought, “yeah, that doesn’t work for me, either.” Do you know how much it costs to eat a raw, actually chemical free diet? We do. We did it for about six months when they told me I had celiac disease. It cost us around $200 a week to buy just groceries and eat/cook from home, and I was the only one eating the “healthy” food while the boys continued to mostly eat their normal, less expensive food.

The point of me mentioning this is to remind you all that the government controls every aspect of our lives for profit. Break it down and you’ll see the proof. They know that they can’t make money off of our health conditions if they make easy solutions to them readily available because then we won’t need medicine. Case in point? Dandelions that grow in your yard and the pesticides to kill them versus the story they feed us about how much more beautiful our yards are to be “weed free.” And we fall for it. Because clearly one of the most beneficial plants for our bodies shouldn’t be allowed to grow in our own yards for free. The FDA doesn’t WANT you to be healthy. It wants you to depend on big pharma and the medical business in America (and around the world) so that people that aren’t meager pheasants can put money in their pockets and keep us pheasants dependent on things we can’t provide for ourselves. Why do you think there are so many laws and restrictions on things that would make living a fully self-sustainable life easy to achieve?

That’s not a conspiracy theory. It’s just common sense. 🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️ Otherwise, why would diabetes medication and chemo and even some of the meds they want to put me on cost so much that you have to work a second job (like my dad did for years) just to stay alive? That’s why so many people are flocking to alternative lifestyles…

The point is this: I talked about this because I wanted support from my friends to help me deal with the changes ahead, not to be told how to handle it. I’ve got it handled. It’s my body and my life and I’m the only one responsible for making it good. But it’s nice to know that people are there to listen and be a part of your community. That’s why people say, “if you need anything, let me know.” Right? That’s what friends are for. I try to offer support to my friends, no matter what I’m dealing with personally…and lord knows I’ve been dealing with health stuff for a long time. But if you’re someone who I love and care about, I’m ALWAYS there – until you tell me not to be. I’m grateful for the handful of people in my life who are understanding and receptive as well as giving of that…

Rampant Idealistic Oversimplification

This is an example of the rampant idealistic oversimplification that is the new norm in the mental health sphere. It is the equivalent of victim blaming.

Many things cause stress, anxiety and depression. LIFE is just stressful for a lot of people depending on MANY factors. Coffee can cause anxiety all by itself and how many people choose to drink coffee everyday and then wonder why they’re anxious? Depression can be caused by behaviors like this – yes. But it can also be caused by a myriad of other things, including hormones, chemical imbalances, foods we eat (and don’t eat), things we drink (alcohol is a huge one), drugs we take (prescription and illegal, alike), situations we are facing, the list goes on and on.

For some, not even meds can change their brain chemistry. Even though there are coping tools and meds, some people have depression that is literally found to be untreatable even with extensive treatment measures. This is one of those new age bullshit statements made by someone who has no idea what clinical depression is. Statements just like this are the ones that cause many people the most hopelessness because the only solution offered is “it’s your fault, get over it.”

This is a judgement of depression, not a valid statement made based on the understanding of the clinical diagnosis of it. It is the makeup of people who want to come across as enlightened humans, but are really more devolved than evolved. Stop trying to simplify something and tell people basically that it’s their own fault they have these struggles and this is how to fix it.

Stuff like this pisses me off as both a highly educated and qualified mental health professional and as a person who has struggled with depression and anxiety all my life – even as a child as young as 6 years old. If anything outside of the physiological caused it and it was shaped and conditioned into me, it was my mother and religion – point blank period, that’s the only reason. And that’s just simply untrue. Conditioning by our environment may be a part of it but for most people who struggle with anxiety and depression it’s not just environmental and it’s not related to stress alone – stress is a part of EVERYTHING that is wrong with us.

Conditioning may be a major issue for some but what about people who grow up with super amazing childhoods having all their needs met, who are successful and don’t want or need anyone else, who are secure in themselves…and yet still are found dead one day from suicide? What about them? These issues have no limits. They touch people of all circumstances, ethnicities, religions, lifestyles, etc. These conditions don’t care – you can literally have the perfect life and still struggle with these issues.

This type of new age “I know what I’m talking about” expression is the kind of thing can cause someone to truly believe that it’s “their fault” they’re the way they are and if/when they try to address it and it doesn’t work because memes and quotes like this – while true for some situational events – are spreading misinformation (because – let me reiterate in case you didn’t understand the first time – these things are over-simplifying a MAJOR ISSUE that requires a MUCH deeper understanding and often professional help) that may make people just feel like they’ve failed. Then maybe they go kill themselves. Who knows.

Please do not assume you have to conform to generalized thinking. If you are struggling with depression, please please seek help that is useful. I’m not sure the resources in the UK and other countries but here are some US resources. They’re always available and always free, for a start. Please, utilize them. You matter and are cared for, despite feeling that you may not be.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline – 1-800-273-8255

Crisis Text Line, if you don’t want to speak – text HOME to 741741 for free, 24/7 crisis counseling.

SAMHSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration): 1-800-662-4357

Lube Up.

I have had disappointments. Struggles. Moments that I’ve lost faith in what I used to believe. Oh yes, more than a few. Like most lives, mine is sprinkled with the moments that passed me by, the opportunities I only saw in the rear-view mirror, hopes lost in the fading light of what I thought would be my day. Yet, here I am. Here we all are, those of us still here.

It has not all been easy. It has never been black and white. It has never been that simple – perhaps that is why I dream of adding color to it all in my creative endeavors. But I am not defined by my disappointments, nor am I confined by them. I am shaped by them, changed by them, but never owned by them. It is in the learning that I am set free: free to try again, or free to do my life differently.

I’m an intelligent and logical person but I’m also an empath. I am what many from childhood and even up til now have considered wasteful. You know, the uselessness of having a head in the clouds or a heart perpetually full of feelings and passion that are all an unproductive, non-conducive waste of time. Those things are true, taken to extremes they can be detrimental…but so can the excess of anger and judgment and many other things.

It is through all of my own experiences – especially the difficulties and painful experiences – that I have learned how to authentically be me and to make my soul characteristics, both the darkness and the light of it, not just my way of living but also my way of EARNING a living – because to be a creator is MY PURPOSE. Others don’t have to understand or relate to that – they don’t even have to respect it…they’re consuming what I’m bringing to the table and not bringing a plate to the potluck.

We ALL have a soul purpose. The world needs ALL of us, with ALL of our different gifts. Don’t put people down or judge them because they don’t live the life you would choose for yourself. Thank them, instead, for what they bring into your life with their differences.

The world needs construction workers and emergency services workers and doctors and nurses and teachers and IT people and factory workers and farmers and truckers and on and on to help it to run smoothly. Of course it does. OF COURSE it does.

But do you know what it also needs that just about every one of those “essential” people consume like vitamins? The light of the artists – the realms of the writers, the musicians, the deep thinkers, the actors, the comedians, the magicians, the drawers of magical worlds and the painters of scapes in sound or in color, or both all at once – to escape to.

The world NEEDS the creators of comfort and escape to help the “essential workers” to cope with the stresses of their lives serving others. It needs the creators to help to invent and build the world, but also to help the world remember it’s inner child – the one that existed before it was told it couldn’t be itself and had match the rules that killed it’s true joy – and hopefully in some small way to help that inner child stay alive.

The world needs the dreamers and those brave enough to share their wildest and craziest ideas and creations to help the world see beauty and creativity, to find inspiration, and maybe, in some ways, to heal.

The world needs ALL OF US, all the time.

What has not worked for me in my life has taught me the depths of who I am. It has also taught me the limits of who I am. What has worked for me may not be for everyone but it has helped me to shine when I want to hide in the dark, and the broken parts of me and my past are not monuments made of stone, nor have they turned ME to stone. They are, even at their worst, portals through which I travel into a better tomorrow…or the hope that I one day will.

The experiences I have had and will have are the tools through which I create, through which I manifest and through which I show others (if not by word then by example) exactly what thriving – not just surviving – is.

Or, that is my hope. That is my goal.

That is my heart, and it just wants to make a difference in the lives of struggling people by sometimes making them feel less alone in their darkness by being dark with it but also by helping them to escape through the magic that sometimes pours out of me.

Our magics and our roles may be different, but it takes us all to make the world a happy and comfortable and interesting place to be. So don’t down the dreamer. Don’t loathe the lover. Don’t hate the hurt – because hurt people hurt people. Don’t damn the already damaged.

Don’t waste your time or energy playing the role of jury or judge because you’re neither. That’s not the job of a single one of us. We’re just here to do whatever we do best, whatever drives us and serves the world for the better, and to love – because love is the center of everything, even logic.

We are energetic, crystalline beings living in physical, 3D bodies. We are souls that are taking residence in a vessel so complex we haven’t even completely figured the vessel out yet. There was a time where there was very few awakened souls here on earth, and now many are becoming awake to these truths.

That is the purpose for all of us. We are here to experience this realm of existence while it lasts and to do our soul’s job in this realm to leave it better than we found it. What’s so hard about that? Apparently a lot – perhaps that is why we also need philosophers and psychologists and theologians and spiritual intellectuals whose jobs are to help us to sort through the two realities of spiritual and human existence.

The synopsis? Different types of people with different goals in life really aren’t meant to rub each other with friction causing constant lifequakes (pun totally intended). They’re meant to grease each other up, like lube, if you will, so that we can move more easily through the time that makes up our human life and actually EXPERIENCE IT.

Start moving with life instead of trying to force it to be a certain way. Creating your life is a process. Lube up already. Otherwise, life’s going to keep being rough and leaving friction burns in your soul. 🤷‍♀️❤️

I Chose the 4D/5D

It is fundamentally and intellectually RIDICULOUS to see the truth in front of your face and continue to convince yourself to live a lie.

It’s one thing to not have proof and to question and seek and try to find clarity. It’s another thing completely to KNOW and to still defend something that has proven itself over and over again to be false…and so many things are.

If you can’t get out of the thoughts of the 3D and into the flow of acknowledging the feeling and truth in the 4/5D long enough to realize that everything is not as it appears in a physical sense then you’re never going to find your actual truth and live an authentically happy and peaceful life.

“There has to be balance. If you can’t find that, it’s because you’re not trying. And if you’re not trying, you have only yourself to blame” (that’s me speaking to me).

WE ARE NOT SEPARATE FROM EACH OTHER, no matter how badly we want to believe we are, in the 3D experience of life. If you haven’t allowed yourself to experience any thought pattern or existence other than that, you’re really missing out – you’re not authentic at all. It’s not all about you. It’s about the collective.

Lest we forget we have extremely short physical lifespans and we live on one of many “big rocks in the sky.” There is a whole universe – physically and spiritually – to explore. Yes, there is order in the natural world but that order comes from complete chaos. How is that not abundantly clear and obvious?

I don’t understand a “black and white” existence. I will never be convinced that’s all there is because I have experienced so much more. I have seen – and lived – in the technicolor realms of the “more” that so many people roll their eyes at. Once you go there, you can never go back to the mundane. And you’ll never want to. True story. The mundane will never again be enough.

“You perceive the world through 6 senses and your intuition starts to grow and expand. You seek a deeper meaning to life and you can start to see the synchronicity/magic of the Universe.” That’s where I prefer to be – I don’t live from my mind. I live from my soul. It’s not always easy but it’s always more fulfilling. Always.

Understanding the 3 States of Consciousness: 3D, 4D, and 5D

Un-expectations. | Deep Love

First of all, this post is not an April Fool’s joke. That’s just how ironic and hilarious my life likes to work out.

I saw this and it led to thoughts. Since I have nothing better to do besides lay here right now, and read and write, I thought, “let me share my thoughts…”

“Deep Love

You cannot touch the depths of another until you have touched the depths of your own soul.

If you love yourself for your achievements, your current assets, the way you do things and handle the world—and despise yourself for failure in the same—it follows that your relationship with another will also be transient and superficial.

To achieve deep and lasting love of another person, you need to first experience the depth within yourself—an inner core that doesn’t change with time or events.

If it is the true essence, it is an essence shared by the other person as well, and deep love becomes unavoidable.

Rabbi Tzvi Freeman”

The thoughts this led to on this unexpected day?

I may not have time for material things anymore. And I’m ok with that. All I’ve ever wanted was to love and be loved – not necessarily romantically or in any specific way…just respected. And right now, unrelated to this shared post, really, I’m in love with my doctor in a professional way because he is being forthright, knows not to hide his concerns from me, and is concerned to the point that he doesn’t want me admitted because of my immune system so he’s given me tools and explained all the precautions so that I can be at home.

Instead of scaring me or belittling my intelligence or undermining my own concerns, he makes me proud to be intelligent and aware and doesn’t answer my questions with phrases like, “you just let me worry about that,” or, “we don’t need to get into definitions or science.” He WANTS me to be at the same level as him because if it comes down to a person’s life, why wouldn’t they? His job is to care for me and to do everything in his power to help me to recover. He doesn’t take me for granted as just another patient. He knows my body after all these years but he also knows I know my body better than anyone does and he respects that.

He asks me more questions than I ask him, and we work TOGETHER – it’s not like other doctors people tell me about that they’ve dealt with. It’s not like, “I’m the doctor, do what I say.” It’s more like, “you’re my patient, let’s discuss options and treatments and risks and concerns and fears and how we can combat possible and current difficulties.” He makes want to fight, he makes me better. Even just his voice on the Emergency On Call line this morning took me from panic to immediate calm. “Be at the office at 8, we’re going to handle this in the office before we do in the hospital.” He fights for me. Because of that, I feel strong enough to fight for myself.

And, we laugh. A LOT. Darkly. 😬🤣 He understands me (and enjoys my personality) that way.

THAT is the kind of relationship you pray for with your doctor. He loves his patients deeply – because healing and helping them is his passion, and purpose – not just his “job.” I may be very sick and dealing with some possible very high risks, but I am also so very blessed. 😭🙏🙏🙏

#SpreadMusicNotHate No.3

Hans Zimmer’s “Time,” from Inception, performed by the Vienna Radio Symphony Orchestra, conducted by Martin Gellner. Always an all time favorite. Oh, and that’s Hans Zimmer himself playing lead guitar.

This is the most peaceful (in my definition and experience of peace), beautiful piece of orchestral genius I have ever heard in my life. I bawl (usually on the inside) every time I hear it and it’s so healing. It’s on my list.

Before the end of my life I want to play this with an orchestra. The swells. The hidden notes. The soul. The high. The sounds – the language – of the cosmos within it… 😭🎶🙌

I wish I’d never given up music professionally. I wish I’d never studied anything else sometimes. I wish a lot of things, but I chose what I chose. Maybe it’s time to change what I chose because I was “supposed to” at the time, and choose what my heart wants now… My heart is not really at home anymore. It lives someplace it can never really belong, except maybe on that stage, making one sound out of many with all the other musicians, and touching the hearts of others listening (although the practices are the best – when there’s no audience but the orchestra and conductor).

That’s what I’ve come to realize in these months since mama died. I’ve spent all this time trying to figure out how to do life now, and it suddenly hit me why it never feels right now matter what I do. You know? ❤️

What about you? What are your real passions? What is your heart’s truest desires – the things (or thing) that makes you feel like you’re truly where you’re meant to be and not just there because you were shaped or conditioned to be there? What would you do if you didn’t have the responsibilities you have now that you feel like you can’t leave behind?

I’d play the music and move people’s souls – at least, the one’s whose souls are moved by music. We’d travel, and we’d live wild and free in a world of art and music. That’s what we’d do. 😌

#SpreadMusicNotHate No.1

So I saw this challenge in the blogging community where you share a favorite song of yours each day, in no particular order, and as many days as you like (so we’ve got an eternity’s worth here in my “favorites” playlist 😂), and share why you love the song.

#dailymusicalinterlude

For day 1 of the #FavoriteSongsChallenge to #spreadmusicnothate, I give you one of my favorite film songs (and yeah, there’s a lot of scores in my favorites) – Vide cor Meum, from Ridley Scott’s adaptation of Thomas Harris’ book, “Hannibal.”

There’s no reason I love the song other than it’s incredibly moving to me and I am, behind closed doors, a hopeless romantic who loves Dante Alighieri, beautifully moving classical/orchestral pieces, and Hannibal (one of my favorite novel and film trilogies).

Vide cor meum (See my heart) is an aria composed by Irish composer Patrick Cassidy based on Dante Alighieri’s Vita Nova, specifically on the sonnet A ciascun’alma presa, third chapter.

The translation from the lyrics (and the Vita Nova) is:

While thinking of her
A sweet sleep came over me
I am your master
Here is your heart
And on this burning heart
Your heart
(she) obediently fed
Then I saw him (Amore) leaving in tears
Joy became bitterest lament
I am in peace
My heart
I am in peace
See my heart.

The music (not to mention Sir Anthony reciting Hannibal’s interpretation of the Vita Nova) of “The Burning Heart” (another song, from Hans Zimmer’s Hannibal score) is also fabulous.
WTH. I’ll share both for day 1. LOL 🥰❤️

From The Burning Heart:

“He woke her then,
And trembling and obedient
She ate that burning heart out of his hand.
Weeping, I saw him then depart from me.”
Could he daily feel a stab of hunger for her
And find nourishment in the very sight of her?
I think so. But would she see through the bars of his plight… and ache for him?

Fun related fact: Dante’s “Inferno” is one of my favorite books. Should we do a favorite books and favorite films tag, too? I say yes. I like seeing the things that make you who you are and having a bit of artistic culture in the mix. There’s more to the world than memes, politics and conspiracy theories. 😉

I love insomnia. 🙂