entry twenty four — scattered light, fractured grace: a quiet archive of light, loss, and what remains.
iPhone 17 Pro + Reeflex Camera
iPhone 17 Pro + Reeflex Camera
iPhone 17 Pro + Reeflex Camera
Aculeus in Caput Mortuum
one breath the sky was fire; the next, the dark leaned in. branches held the violet open, then closed around it, like hands remembering how to hide. thank you, Spirit, for the sudden pink and the holy purple— even though both refused to stay. thank you, even for the shadows that always find their way back, despite the sunshine of a beautiful day, even when they don’t ask permission to come, or to leave.
c.//2026
“scattered light, fractured grace” is a photography series from my art journaling journey about how light doesn’t always fall straight. Sometimes it fractures through memory, grief, and grace—and what was broken still glimmers. It is a collection of soft reckonings. Fragments, unfiltered, and written in the in-between.
@dorie_dahlberg’s (via Vero) gorgeous captures have inspired me to put more conscious effort into capturing everyday moments in my own life again.
Screen capture of one of my favorite of Dorie Dahlberg’s beautiful 35mm shots…
A funny thing: one of the people I helped to care for and walk through the death and dying journey with was my best friend of more than two decades, Dorie. I clicked on this image before noticing the name, but when I did look up to see it I couldn’t help but chuckle.
Maybe my Dorie led me to this Dorie, knowing I’d find inspiration. I like to believe so. She was always very good at seeing when I needed a nudge of inspiration, and bringing hers to the rescue.
Browsing through Dorie Dahlberg’s work at Vero, I found myself nostalgic for these last few years – years that grief has swallowed silently and invisibly, for the most part. I’ve used my creative work and writing as an outlet and means of exploring these experiences, especially in the heaviest moments, but it’s always been more curated than candid; more “have an idea and create it” than “let the work come out of nowhere, in a random moment.”
I used to really enjoy that type of work. As I sat with the feelings this fantastic photographer’s work churned up in me, I don’t know if I realized how lazy I’ve been with my creativity lately, or just that I miss it. Maybe both…
With age, with my own health concerns now, I sometimes wonder if it’s later than I think. Not too late, but… can I keep up? Can I set a goal, at least mentally, and keep it? Or will I bog myself down with the weight of my own expectations… and anxieties?
Am I finally willing to pay attention to the moments that matter, and put more effort into them, instead of letting them float by unacknowledged, again?
I think so…
I hope so.
As long as I am still breathing, I still have time – and it’s only wasted if I pretend I don’t.
Rediscovering an old, forgotten treasure – barely touched, but quietly waiting – is a comforting gift as I learn to wait patiently for my body to heal and be ready to move back into the studio.
iPhone 17 Pro + Hipstamatic X
This morning I sat with that truth for a long, still moment. As the steady ticking of the clock kept gentle cadence with the rising sun, something settled over me like grace instead of regret:
I have always loved and collected journals and sketchbooks. I own many, yet only a few are filled and several remain untouched – so many sitting in limbo for years, held back by the fear driven fallacy of “messing them up.”
iPhone 17 Pro + Hipstamatic X
With age, I am gently defeating that lie. Life is brief, tomorrow is never promised, and no act of creativity is ever wasted – even when the product of the process doesn’t match the vision that first called it forth.
Now, as I grow older and look back on the many years gone by, I feel far more sorrow for all the moments I never recorded than I ever felt for any imperfect line, any handwriting that wasn’t lovely enough, or any watercolor that fell short of my imagination or my dreams.
iPhone 17 Pro + Hipstamatic X
Moments, art supplies, and blank pages are only wasted when we aren’t present with them… when we overlook and leave them blank for fear of messing them up.
The only thing that messes anything up is letting fear, doubt or insecurity drive us in the first place.
In an unassuming corner of the yard, this yellow iris has unfurled like a quiet epiphany. What was once a tightly wound promise, rhizome buried deep through winter’s long hush, now opens fully to the light. Its ruffled petals now catch the sun with an almost reckless joy. The veins of deep gold trace a map of quiet persistence, while the orange heart glows like an inner fire that refused to go out.
Beside it, younger buds wait in patient green, still curled in their own contemplative silence. They teach their own lesson: not everything must bloom at once. Some wisdom arrives early; some lingers in the stalk, trusting the season will call when it is ready.
There is something profoundly philosophical in this annual resurrection. The iris does not bloom for applause or permanence. It blooms because that is its nature, with its brief, brilliant way of saying yes to existence, and it does so right here, against the ordinary creamy beige siding of daily life, proving that the sacred never waits for perfect conditions. It simply returns, year after year, not asking permission or requiring validation, reminding us that we too carry rhizomes of possibility beneath the surface of our ordinary days.
Seasons of dormancy give way to moments of vivid becoming, if only we pause long enough to witness it. Perhaps every ordinary moment holds the potential for a quiet epiphany. The question is whether we slow down enough to notice.
He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. (Ecclesiastes 3:11)
entry twenty three — scattered light, fractured grace: a quiet archive of light, loss, and what remains.
iPhone 17 Pro + VSCO (wb) + Lightroom Mobile (noise, watermark)
The moon is a small, stubborn wound in the dark, haloed and patient. Branches reach like remembered names, skeletal and exact against the hush.
The light slips through their fingers and leaves a trail of familiar ache. Not sharp, not new, just honest and unblinked.
I stand where the tree lives in my knowing, and for a breath the world narrows to that thin halo and the soft geometry of limbs. There is comfort in the way memory and sky overlap, how absence can be a kind of company.
Home again feels less like a place and more like the presence that arrives when light finds the places you thought were empty.
entry twenty two — scattered light, fractured grace: a quiet archive of light, loss, and what remains.
iPhone 17 Pro + DistressedFX (Final Edit)
Sometimes it feels like there is a different, almost literal space between seconds. A pause the world does not announce.
There is intimacy in those spaces. Love. Beauty. A kind of quiet permission.
There is me, and the moon, and what I remember without remembering. Something about home. Something about spirit. Something about soul.
In those spaces, which turn into a place, then into awareness, then into something conscious without warning, I find myself again. Not arriving. Not searching. Just remembering how to be.
It feels like standing in a doorway I have crossed a thousand times but cannot name. Familiar without history. Known without proof.
And always, even when I wish it were not so, there she is too.
There are all of them. The pieces of my life that have already returned to Source, leaving me here to feel them but never hold them, to love without helping, to remember without any hope of their human realities returning.
Home, not as a location, but as a frequency. And for a moment, I am inside it.
catacosmosis // 2026
iPhone 17 Pro + DistressedFX (Final Edit)iPhone 17 Pro + DistressedFX (Textures Only)iPhone 17 Pro (Original, shot with ProCamera)
Haze blurs his profile. I grip the thin stem of hope. Current keeps moving.
I came across this photo from a camping/hiking weekend in December 2018 this morning, and it opened something in me… or awakened it.
In the photo, the woods are one giant lens flare: the late-fall sun punches clean holes in the canopy, throws every leaf into over-saturated neon, while the creek becomes a mirror so sharp you feel you could step through it into another forest.
That’s what this last year with my son has been doing to the dial inside me. Faith cranked so high it hums, reality just as loud, and me caught in the bright slash between. I used to soften one side or the other: pray the hard parts dimmer, work until the wonder felt manageable. But the creek refuses to choose between glare and reflection; it holds both, lets them ricochet until you can’t tell which side of the surface is real.
I can see now that I am – or prefer to be – the creek. I practice that same double exposure of my roles, but it has all blurred and blinded me in recent days. In reality, all it adds up to is the fierce mother part of me – scheduling therapies, ordering visual timers, and trying to learn an entirely new language that has no words – and the gentler, whole me. The part of me that still leaves room for hope and comfort in the impossible color of his laugh when a dragonfly lands on his sleeve.
Balance isn’t compromise; it’s letting the light stay blinding and the shadows stay knife-edged, trusting the picture only makes sense when neither is edited out.
entry twenty — scattered light, fractured grace: a quiet archive of light, loss, and what remains.
Lumix GX7 + DistressedFX + Mextures
I’ve been thinking about how easily we overlook what does not bloom on command. How quickly we decide something is less valuable when its rhythms are quiet or unusual or slow to reveal themselves. How we are conditioned by convenience to turn away from what requires a different or more tender kind of attention, unless we are its mother.
As mothers, the expectations begin to pile up, even as the help quietly disappears… if it ever shows up to begin with. It showed up for me recently, with my son’s diagnosis of autism, and then the weight shifted again. The label alone added a layer of juggling and balancing that feels impossible, even in ways that his father may never fully know…
…but these small remnants of #lovelydeadcrap in my backyard have been teaching me how to package it all and express what’s inside.
Lumix GX7 + DistressedFX + Mextures
In their faded textures and fragile lines, I find a gentler truth. Beauty is not always loud, nor peace immediate. Sometimes neither are easily interpreted. Sometimes they appear in the very things the world has already dismissed as unremarkable because they do not fit the desire or expectation.
When my son was diagnosed with moderate to severe autism, the world tried to hand me a script of loss and limitation. But the more I sit with the reality of who he is and what I know he has experienced in his life, the more I understand that nothing essential has been diminished.
Lumix GX7 + DistressedFX + Mextures
Not unlike #lovelydeadcrap, the reality of his story simply asks to be read with a different kind of seeing. The light lands from another direction. The beauty moves at its own pace. That is what this winter season is teaching me:
To honor what does not conform. To stay open to the quiet forms of life and value that do not perform for anyone’s comfort. To recognize that some truths require presence rather than projection.
Lumix GX7 + DistressedFX + Mextures
My son is not less. He is not broken. He is not something to mourn. He is fully himself, unfiltered and unhidden, and there is a sacred beauty in that.
May we all learn to truly see what stands before us, not merely what we were taught to expect.
entry eighteen — scattered light, fractured grace: a quiet archive of light, loss, and what remains.
iPhone 17 Pro + DistressedFX + VSCO
The full moon always finds me in that thin place between ache and awakening. The heart softens, the past stirs, and the light insists on touching what I thought I’d hidden.
It doesn’t shout. It simply rises. And in rising, it reveals.
This full moon of these last few days felt like a mirror tilted by something wiser than me: clear, unguarded, almost tender in the way it offers back the truth of who I am becoming.
Every full moon asks for release, but this one asked for understanding. It offered an opportunity for a quiet recognition of what’s been shed, what’s been carried, and what still longs to be held with gentler hands.
Under its glow, my fractures stopped pretending to be wounds. Instead, they shined… faint, but deliberate. And grace slipped in when I wasn’t looking.
iPhone 17 Pro + DistressedFX + LR (watermark only)
Always look up. Especially when you’re already shaken, don’t ever look down. That’s when you lose what steadiness you do have, and crash.
This week hit hard. J was told he’s going on unpaid shutdown leave from Dec 15 until the second week of January. No vacation time, no cushion. At least not yet…maybe they’ll change their mind about that.
It always makes me heartsick when companies do this to families in December, right before Christmas. Now, here we are, and I’m not sick about it. Just determined.
This, after receiving the full evaluation for our boy yesterday, which finally gives us clarity… but also informs us that we have to get “further testing,” as if what he’s already been through and what we’ve already done couldn’t possibly be enough (money for them) for any referrals or disability help.
I genuinely don’t know how we’re supposed to afford it with everything happening at once, but we will. If I don’t laugh in the face of it all (especially the system) believing God’s already got it handled, I’ll collapse under the weight of that situation alone.
Christmas this year is going to be bare… at least materially. Some part of me feels immediate comfort, though, because I so intimately recognize this feeling… the gritty “underdog in a Christmas movie” version of life I’ve always known. Always the underdog…
But the thing about underdogs? Most especially when they’re faithful and balanced in determination, heart and spirit, they always come out on top. Always.
God is in this story. God is in the details. He always has been, and when I’ve followed His guidance and employed discernment, He has never turned away or left us. I’m holding onto that. That is my foundation.
I have to do my part, though… so for that, besides us trying to pick up a seasonal job until this shutdown is over, I’ve created an Amazon wishlist for my boy. If the universe wants to make sure he gets a Christmas beyond my homemade treats, it will. And if not, he already knows he’s loved, supported, and my whole world.
I’ve already got my Christmas miracle. That boy, and his precious heart.
catacosmosis 