It’s the end of the world as we know it…

…and I feeeeel fiiiiine…..

Just kidding. But also, it kind of is…and I keep wondering when people are going to wake up and notice that people are waking up and noticing.

No, this is not one of those conspiracy theory driven statements about the virus or about the world. This is just…well, the truth.

Most of the people who will read this blog (based on my “subscriber base”) have spent perhaps years looking below the surface of what others tell them, just like I have. We reason things for ourselves and as a result live a higher quality of life – first and foremost, we see things as they are and there is no stress in acceptance once you have reached that level of existence.

Right now there is a truly great awakening taking place. In the midst of a huge chance for a true change of consciousness, most continue to focus on the virus, the vaccine, and political jokes rather than be a part of the a global pandemic of people who are taking their blinders off. Thankfully, not me and not most of you.

We live in an ever moving, ever growing and ever changing universe, which presents us with duality in everything. It presents us with choices – not so much the idea of free will but a similar idea. This is my belief (in this moment, of my life and in the energetic place we are currently, as a collective being). Once presented with those choices, then we simply choose.

Most people make incredibly unconscious choices not realizing they have one (a choice) or that they’re choosing anything at all. They spend their lives just floating along following “the rules.” But, the true reality is that almost ALL we spend our lives doing is choosing which way we want to go, and we keep on choosing until the end.

Even in the case that life does something that we feel we have no choice in, which it will because we can not be in control of EVERYTHING, most people are under the delusion that they have no control at all (I’ve said it recently, myself), but that’s not true. There IS one thing you can control – your reaction. Even though I struggle with depression, and that is absolutely out of my control at this point – I can chose how to react to bad days, I can choose to allow myself grace and to do nothing if nothing is all I can do. I have built a life and a mindset that allows that. That is still a choice. Most people…they forget that ultimately, no matter what they may not be able to choose for others, they ALWAYS have a choice for how they decide to handle a thing.

Most people live in a unconscious state where they THINK they are choosing, when in fact they are repeating the same old patterns and behaviors over and over and then remain unhappy because they don’t see different results, or are very content because they think they’re doing all the right things when the reality is that there is no “right” at all in the sense of what most people are taught and molded as children to believe we need to be and do to be happy in this world.

I believe our universe is our Source (God, whatever name you call that which is in control) and that this Source – this energy – connects to our consciousness, where new choices are presented to us. My observation is that most people eat dead food, ingest polluted water, follow news media like a cultish religion, crave entertainment from very fast paced experiences and things that afford them instant gratification, and so on. People have completely forgotten about their souls, rarely even try to actually use their minds, and are seemingly existing only in the form of physicality.

These people are so low in energy that they are incapable of sensing universal shifts, which is what we have been in the midst of since BEFORE the pandemic began. The pandemic simply caused a sudden consciousness of many realities and seemingly all of a sudden and all at once a huge group of people realized the truth about the “cog in the machine” role they were created by society and the powers that be, to be.

Shift, however, is a certainty. If you don’t believe in such things, consider this when you consider the fact of the worldwide, literally global impact of the virus. If you take off your governmentally/societally controlled rose colored classes you will realize that we are facing the end of one natural cycle, and looking forward to another, and that this was coming whether covid came with it or never existed at all. Covid only sped up the process and forced a change for most people that led to many realizations about what life could and should be.

The universe and the physical planet we call home also goes through cycles – darkness and light, daily, and seasons that change (however briefly) four times a year – and at the end of a cycle EVERYONE, regardless of their condition, must wake up. They must make the necessary changes and shifts in mindset to accommodate the physical existence they would like to experience during each cycle – whether it’s a day or a season. The same is true of (what I consider) energetic (spiritual) cycles.

Perhaps this is what’s going, as we enter a new cycle of light. The LIGHT is exposing the darkness more and more, and while we move on, most are caught up in this infuriated, fear driven belief that because of the virus, freedoms are being taken away. In some ways, perhaps; but, I believe what they don’t realize is that they have already have given their freedom away. They don’t realize that a country or a government is not where true freedom exists in the first place, and it never has been.

Step outside of the box, remove the glasses and unlearn the rules that you THINK you have to follow, and you will see. You will see that perhaps you have just been caught off guard and your spirit is trying to show you what you’ve always known. Most people ARE caught off guard by “current existence,” and now find themselves in a place of confusion with an underlying belief that there is no place to run. It’s not a literal “Book of Revelation” moment, but it is very much that in a much deeper way. Dr. Bruce Lipton talks about being in the 6th time of mass extinction, but those who carry the LIGHT will find the WAY out.

This is only my perception – this is what I have come to believe through my own reading, mediations and spiritual practices/connection. I did not become brainwashed by virus- or political-focused propaganda or “jump off the deep end,” as they (the less deep thinking, society driven rule followers) often say about people who express views like this. These have been my beliefs for decades (most of my life). It is really very simple – I haven’t changed, I clearly see it as my living reality now only more so than before; and, I realize that it has been “this” all along.

Someone shared a thought with me the other day and I will leave this blog with it: you are the message, not the messenger. BE your truth as you share it. If people do not understand or they judge it, and many will not understand and will jump to judgment, that’s okay – because neither did you at one point in your life.

Do good. Be gentle. Be compassionate. Be kind. Do all those things for yourself and for others. Have a beautiful day.

XO.

~C.

A Rare Moment…

…a very raw, and real one – one of the ones I almost always keep private…

April 5, 2017. 10:55AM

First of all, how is it that my writing today coincides exactly with the timing of my writing about volatility on March 28th, the last time I day-journaled? That’s weird…or not…but mostly, yes.

Today I feel ESPECIALLY volatile. In fact, I just texted that to a friend. The reasons are many. I haven’t had sleep in many hours (one hour, about, in the last 36 or so hours). Anxiety is the fault AND the cause of that, and of many things in and of itself. And all of those things are the cause of many other things. I mean, it’s like I told the fairy god-therapist recently:  we can sit around analyzing that until we’re blue in the face and we’ve managed to work our way all the way back to our time in the womb, maybe even before that based on some belief systems, but it’s going to solve NOTHING about now. I hate that sort of cognitive psychology. Mind stripping bullshit… I hate it, but yet I love it and it’s a huge part of my personality – especially personality and understanding of self – to do just that.

Today, due to lack of sleep, due to anxiety, due to the chaos of thoughts that NEED to escape my mind and can’t escape fast enough, and then annoyingly get lost and ruin my train of thought all together and then I almost obsessively try to start all over (with that cognitive bullshit that I have a love/hate relationship with)…I just feel volatile. This flood of expressive thoughts that I can’t express fast enough, and all the noise around me – even the little noises like the birds chirping – make my head feel like it will explode.

They are like fingernails on a chalkboard, even the positive, happy sounds that we often invite into our environments. Everything makes my brain feel like it’s going to explode and all I want is perfect stillness and perfect quiet – kind of like the “perfect darkness” you achieve deep in caves, which is the only place on the planet you can ever achieve that. I don’t know where to go to achieve a literal perfect stillness and quiet in this physical world, and I certainly can’t escape to a cognitive version of it, even with meditation, with this “dis-ease” that seems to be swallowing my mind and consciousness.

I have been getting to know a new, light-warrior friend via Instagram through chat, and I was just expressing a similar (but not nearly as immediate frustration) in a conversation last night, during the peak of that episode of insomnia. I relayed how I have found myself simultaneously nodding my head and saying, “yes,” out loud as I’d read each thought they shared, whether in their posts or conversation on my posts or the human transactions that were being shared via DM, and how I was so grateful for that but it was also overwhelming.

Isn’t that so odd! To connect with someone who also wishes to spread love and positivity and happiness… Light…. And to be so blinded by that because of my condition. It both took me by surprise and made me sad. I was so happy – ecstatic, almost – to have felt such a deeper level connection with someone again and to have these conversations, but also sad and annoyed at my brain and chemicals and processes being as they are so that I also felt such an immediate and almost panicky need to express all of this I was feeling because I’d forgotten it all once before and I didn’t want to lose it again before I understood it, but mostly before I LEARNED from it.

A conversation ensued about the issue of “dis-ease” and I shared about how I will have down days, sad days, mad days, doubtful days, as part of my “dis-ease” as they call it (doctors and therapists and so on – the “helpers”). Even as a part of my grief. But the reality is that there can be kindness and love shared from THEIR realities (“normal, functioning” realities that they exist in, within themselves) versus MINE (the disturbed, lost, seeking, hurting, grieving, sick version of myself that I have become). They’re just so judgmental, in their perfect little boxes, conforming to a broad spectrum of socially acceptable norms that I don’t fit.

They don’t tell me or teach me positive things. They constantly teach me or relay to me, whether they mean to or not, that I am broken or in some way not good enough. I know I need HELP with my issues and conditions but I do not need to be FIXED. There’s a difference and that’s very frustrating and counter-productive for me.  This new friend said to me, “what if you just looked at it as down days or feeling anxious, instead of labeling it a disease? Don’t listen to mainstream media, doctors or anyone that has no concepts of living outside of that box. You can help ease some of the anxiety and depression simply by not ever calling it a disease anymore. You just have more ups and downs and anxieties a little more often than others. Yet all the same – we are all sharing these same emotions. You’re not alone – just let them come and go. The words we say to ourselves mean everything – shaping reality thought by thought and word by word.”

It was really fascinating because it was like reading back my own expressions not so long ago – mostly, before heartbreak and death… I LOVE it. I totally get where they were coming from because I used to 100% be and live as that person with that mindset. And then, the “dis-ease” of it became a reality that suddenly touched, and then began to swallow me. It was almost like a suitor, wooing me – that’s how it always happens. It woos me and taunts me with certain aspects of it that are appealing to me (the melancholy, the muse of it, the creative expression that comes from it) and then once it begins it sucks me into this “toxic relationship” whereby I end up swallowed in darkness with NONE of those appealing qualities actually being a part of it. It’s a sneaky little bastard, that one.

And it IS disease. It IS illness. There is no escaping from or denying that, or there is no getting better at all. It’s a variance back and forth, for me personally, with the things I face mentally, between believing that our words can shape and even literally heal us and accepting that sometimes that’s just not the case. It’s like cancer – some people are healed and they claim that their believing was part of the recipe. But that doesn’t work for everyone.

When Dorie died I came to accept that even if everyone else believes along with you, with all they have, with all their being, sometimes it’s just not enough to overcome death. It’s similar with my mental health – it’s a hard balance to find when a) it’s hard to find meaning and purpose and believe in positivity and self-worth (depression, ptsd) and b) I’m working with therapists/doctors to try to get help for the medical aspect of it (replacing/balancing hormones and chemicals in the body, along with healing my physical body from the damages of chronic physical illness and rebalancing and at least stopping further damage, even though I can never really repair what’s already wrong – celiac disease).

Those people, as I just mentioned, may be trying to help you in a gentle way (as human beings doing the best they can) but the system is flawed because it’s always spoken about in such a negativistic way. What COULD you do? What SHOULD you do? How COULD you or SHOULD you change and what COULD you or SHOULD you change? All of this, when from the other side of their mouths (and the spiritualist parts of society and our selves), it’s all about how we’re all good enough, worthy, loved, made of love, perfectly designed, etc. Really? Because that’s not how it feels when you struggle with mental illness.

It’s because it IS a disease, down to a physical level. I can’t pretend it’s not or I end up missing out (due to escapism and avoidance) some of the good and even best ways I can be helped. But, at the same time, what that person shared does apply. The disbelieving and the labels and the basic bullshit of American medicine are not helpful factors and it IS important to try to steer clear of those things from a subjective place within ourselves. I love that suggestion and somewhere inside me I DO still believe and need to live more from that place. But mental illness is part of a two-sided coin of very real medical condition for me and it’s all so very hard to cope and to live with.

I try to remain in that positive space regardless and to not give up on myself or doubt when I step outside the positivity zone – I try to avoid definitions and labels of failure or success from that perspective, and I tried to address that in some writing I did about how just continuing to try is, in itself, success for ALL of us. That’s what I encourage others to do, and I know that I have to walk the talk as much as possible, mistakes though I might (WILL) make, and just continue to walk and grow. I feel like if I owe anything to anyone I owe THAT to my SELF, to my loved ones, and to the world. We all do. Just our best, and our love. You know?

He understood all this, even in all it’s chaotic and insomnia-influenced version of expression. He said, “Definitely – always breathe and be grateful for NOW…and YOUR continued journey. It’s not selfish to live and dance for the ones that no longer can… We are all here by ourselves, really, anyway. Love yourself, talk to yourself. Be your own best friend (again). It could a long one, friend!” And he is so right – that, what he described in those statements, that’s who I’ve always been. Even in my darkest times and struggles with depression and mental illness in my past, I was always able to hold on to that somewhere and  now, with her death, it FEELS like that is gone. And I’m so terrified at every level because I literally feel as though I have lost myself.

I love his perspective and his confidence in life and in love – and so many of my other kindred spirits in that community. I can’t even wait to write more posts from the food for though he/they have gifted me. I can’t wait to continue these conversations together and with the world at large. But it’s also daunting, because I have very little faith in myself that I CAN do that. The darkness says, “there’s no light, tunnel or not, you are deluding yourself.” The me that desperately seeks to not become wholly lost forever strives to believe and convince myself that that itself is the delusion. How ridiculous this carousel is, and seems to remain…

In closing, for now, I thank you for reading, and for existing as a very important part of the tool set for me to at least attempt to express myself. I am so grateful for you.  I wish you all the love and light that I want to believe is out there and within you and me – all the light, everywhere. May we all continue to seek it and to find it, and even if in the most unexpected of places and ways may we always allow it in.

C.