catacosmosis

My parents created me, yet always hated who I grew up to be. They created me with their religion – with their stories and their ideals. All of them they stole from a book that should, come to find out, be number one on the banned book list for schools. If we’re going to ban books for being “inappropriate” for kids, I think the Bible is right up there with the worst of the worst when it comes to graphic ANYTHING.

Alas, it backfired for them. What they hated in me is what my childhood created – what THEY created: a person who craves the very magic that lined every word of their stories for good and for evil. They created someone who lives every experience in life as though magic is what it’s made of, because it is. I have many, many flaws, but to them this was the ultimate one, and it is exactly what their beliefs were based on: “I want magic.”

It’s really not so far fetched to be appalled by their double standards when you consider their magical forgiveness for magical sin so that they can magically live forever in a magical paradise at the utterance of a key magical phrase entirely accurate because of their intention, no matter what they actually do. Right? No; but, you catch the drift, don’t you?

I do not want literal dragons or unicorns or rainbow glitter sprinkled over everything. I want REAL magic. I want life and everything in it to feel important, because it is. I want purpose. Wisdom. Temperance. Justice. Equality. Beauty. Danger. Excitement. An underdog that wins. I want something bigger than they said any of us “could have” when we “grew up,” AFTER we grew up.

I want what I was encouraged of me – nay, literally beaten into me – as a child, and promised to me as a reward for achieving adulthood, but that I grew up to realize was only a fairy tale. Kisses that bring people back to life. Wars that decimate the ruling class. Prophecies and angry gods who actually smite evil and reward purity of soul. Fairness. Empathy. Compassion. Balance. Immortality.

They hated who I am, but they built me. They programmed this machine. They spoiled it, really, with their stories. Reality pales in comparison, but only because too few people want to do the spiritual work required to be more. I refused to join the mundane, and thus began my deconstruction journey. It was worth every single, solitary second of the brutal peeling back of the layers that had to be endured. Why? Because I finally found god – and I didn’t find god anywhere they told me god could be found.

I found god where god has always lived by default, and without invitation: in the mirror, in my own eyes, in my own body, in my own hands, in my own face, in my own breath, in my own soul and god would have been there even without invitation. You don’t have to invite god into your life. God IS your life. They HATE it when I say that, but they don’t have the conversations I have with the universe – and that is what god is. Everything, including you and me.

We are all god. The reason they don’t want you to know this, or want you to think it is a bad philosophy or a mental illness, is because as soon as this reality becomes mainstream, nothing that matters to society will matter anymore. The entire fabric of society is woven by threads of lack and fear mentality. The reality is that we lack NOTHING and have NOTHING to fear. How can life lack anything when all things are made by and of god himself? And why should we fear anything when the good book itself tells us over and over and over again not to fear at all?

For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. 2 Timothy 1:7

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. 1 John 4:18

Have I not commanded you? “Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? Psalm 27:1

I could go on, but you get the point. Life is driven by one of two forces: fear, or love. I’m standing in and on love. That’s what “God” said to do – and isn’t that what they ultimately wanted to shape me to do? To obey God? Yes, but they wanted me to obey god from a place of fear and lack, not from love and wholeness. They wanted me to believe we weren’t whole as we were so we’d follow their rules. At least, that’s what I can see now.

Food for thought, to be continued…