catacosmosis

Hi. How have y’all been? Yeah…it’s been a minute but I’m still here. Things are a little different by the looks of it and I have drafted hundreds of posts from the past several years (at least temporarily), but it’s still over-confidently over-sharing me. Heyyyy.

So. The most recent pep talk. That’s what you’re here for, right? Well, it started with me thinking about how tired I am of watering myself down to protect the people that I love from being loved by me. How ridiculous is that?!?

Then, I was on to the thought, “I’m tired of worrying that if I give to people to the full extent of the ability that I have to give and love and be myself, that it’s going to be for THAT reason that I lose them…because that’s what seems to perpetually happen.” That’s so…ridiculous.

First of all? There is nothing wrong with ANY of us, except that we might be at different checkpoints on the journey. Secondly? We don’t lose people because there is something wrong with us. We lose people because we’re not all on the same journey and we’re not all meant to be. Stop taking it personally.

So then, I chose to consider these thoughts instead: sometimes, the darkest times and things we experience can bring us to the brightest places.

The most toxic people can teach us the most important lessons.

Our most painful struggles have the magical power to bring us our greatest and most necessary growth.

This one really got me: The most heartbreaking losses can make room for wonderful new adventures, sometimes with people we never even expected.

I know…I never imagined I’d be able to believe that one either. But, guess what? I CAN believe it, because it happened to me.

What might seem like a curse in the moment is so very often a blessing.

What might seem like the end of the world is often just a discovery that we needed to change directions.

No matter how difficult things seem, there is always hope.

No matter how powerless we momentarily feel or how horrible things momentarily seem, there’s a difference between giving up and changing directions.

We have to keep going. Even when it’s scary, or it feels like all our strength is gone, we can keep moving forward.

We have to. Whatever battle the moment brings, it will not last forever.

So I look at myself in a doctor’s office bathroom mirror and I say to myself, “We will make it. We’ve made it this far. We’ve been through some shiiiiit. We’ve loved, we’ve lost, we’ve lived and died many times in these 40+ years. We are still here and there are, most likely, many more years and deaths and rebirths to be had.

We can make it through whatever comes next and it’s time to choose. We don’t always get to choose exactly what happens to us, but whatever happens or has happened doesn’t really matter at the end of the day – it’s what we choose to do with what’s there every morning when we wake up that does. So, make your choice.”

Then I reminded myself that in choosing the paths and the steps I take and the people I keep in my life, I am responsible for only two people right now: myself, and my underaged child.

While I love to help others, I am not responsible for anyone else. I am not responsible for fixing people or their situations.

I am not required to cater to toxicity or selfishness, nor am I responsible for managing the triggers of others, walking on eggshells for the comfort of others, or saying what most people prefer to hear just to keep the peace.

I am not an emotional punching bag nor am I an emotional sponge. I do not exist merely for the pleasure of other people nor as a target for their emotional pain.

My responsibility is simple and it is to myself, and thus to my child – to be an individual with my own thoughts, my own feelings, and my own experiences; to be my own person and to stay true to myself (thanks, Dorie).

My ultimate job is to heal my own wounds, manage my own triggers, and to become so in tune with my inner, higher self and fluent in self-care that I can recharge and change direction with just my faith and my breath (thanks, Ralph).

If I can do this, I can give to others without completely depleting and destroying myself in the process.

If I can do this, I can create my life as I wish it to be and still, and always, be a blessing in the lives of others – especially the lives of those who are unhealthy for the moment and on the road to recovery and a better life, themselves (thanks, Daddy).

So, I chose…and I’ll see you soon with some new photography and music. If you like the header image for this post, here’s the deets:

Shot in my bathroom, Lumix G7 (manual mode, I forget the exact settings so I’ll have to update you on that using the exif later) and Leica macro lens on tripod, using my lensball and my son’s led finger lights which were strung and swung on my dead mothers ancient spare thread. She continues to bless me. Hashtag gratitude, as I’d wanted to try light painting for a while and I’m thrilled with this first result.

Again, more artsy fartsy stuff soon-ish. Love y’all!

C.