Disorder, not Decision

I’m sitting here in her casino bathrobe, planning her deathiversary. I’m supposed to have an actual plan, you know, like my fairy godtherapist told me to. So far? I’ve managed to plan to not be alone and to go buy dog food at the corner store. Is that good enough? Wave your magic wand and make it so. 

I’m already a mess. Yesterday I kept flashing to trying to get there in time, over and over again. Today I am flashing to watching her leave. Tomorrow…I don’t know what to expect. I knew this would be a hard time. I didn’t expect to relive her death like this. CPTSD/PTSD cause people to grieve loss in very different ways. 

Another blogger e-mailed me this link and I read the page while having coffee. It didn’t help to consider that I’m complicated. But the truth is, everything about all of us is complicated and that’s ok… 

PTSD does prolong both grief and survivor guilt, along with all of its own characteristics. I’m struggling most with the stuff from the last year. But I’m also struggling with basically 3 years of nothing but grief, let downs, huge life changes, death, trauma and loss, which finally triggered childhood trauma memories and led to CPTSD.

If you’re struggling with any of these things, know that YOU are not complicated, it’s the external stuff that is, and there’s a number below that you can call for help. Here is an excerpt from the article that resonated with me: 

“While it is not clear exactly what causes prolonged or complicated grief, the cause of normal grief can most commonly be attributed to the death of a loved one. According to the University of Rochester, grief can also be caused by the following:

  • Loss of a job
  • Loss of a beloved pet
  • Loss of a friendship
  • Loss of a personal dream
  • Loss of a romantic relationship

The loss of anything important to you can cause feelings of grief. When you are unable to cope with that grief over a long period of time, you may be at risk for a grief disorder. If you or someone you love is having difficulty coping with grief, you can seek help by calling 1-888-480-5593. Our compassionate staff members are available any time of day or night to assist you in finding the most appropriate treatment for grief disorders.”

Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Some double-checks. Some in bold AND italics. But, all in all, it’s just part of my story, and my story doesn’t end here. That’s what I am telling myself over and over again today. Somehow, we cope. Even if today that means not pushing through at all and instead sitting on the tree deck in her bathrobe watching old home movies on my phone all day, it’s coping. Deathiversaries are hard for me now. But when this week is over, maybe it will feel like just another day…

Sending all the love and support to you all today, and lots of cyber hugs. If you’re into that sort of thing, feel free to grab as many as you need. 

Lots of love,

C. 

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