This is not a post that’s written out of anger or fear or frustration. I feel very little of anything except exhaustion at this point. So, however you “read” it, please don’t take it negatively… It’s just today’s reality – in my mind and my life, anyway…
I’ve decided that this “lost” feeling I have so often is actually where I’m found. It’s the times I find myself feeling “normal” that I’m truly lost, because feeling good and happy is not my normal. I feel good and happy as often as and as disturbingly as most others feel sad and anxious.
The twist in my story is that I don’t care who understands it and who doesn’t. That annoys people. But, the truth is that anyone’s opinion is not going to change a thing… It’s not going to change a thing about who I am or how I am or how I live my life.
Speaking of living my life, there’s not a lot of living to it lately. I’m so tired of feeling like I’m dying. I’m so tired of being sick. I’m so tired of being controlled by what my body dictates. I’m really angry with it (my body).
Louise Hay has tried to convince me that looking in the mirror 537 times a day and telling myself that my body loves me and that I love my body is going to change things. It has the power to heal me. Well. I have something to say to Louise Hay this evening: mirror schmirror. I know we all die eventually…but maybe I really I am on my way out the door.
I can’t tell anymore if that’s my brain, my emotions or my body talking, but I currently feel like if that’s what’s happening then why not accept it and stop further exhausting myself by believing that my mirror can cure chronic illness? I know, I know. It’s not that simple. There’s more to it than that – most of which I am also doing, and that’s not feeling like it’s healing me either. Because that’s what CHRONIC ILLNESS means. It doesn’t get better. It doesn’t go away. IT DOESN’T HEAL. Hello.
I’m too afraid to go for any scans or any more tests. I’m just so…tired. So I’m just gonna be here doing what I do, how I do, until whatever is next happens. I have no control and I’m exhausted at every level from trying to maintain a version of control of my life and body that I never had. I’m not planning on laying down and dying, but if that’s what happens…then it was meant to be.
I’ll be seeing you around, my friends… I’m wishing you a very good and enjoyable weekend.
All the love,