I know that I should not – can not – focus only on my pain if I expect to ever move beyond it. At a logical and very realistic level I know this is the truth. What I do not know is how to focus elsewhere – for more than a moment at a time, anyway.
The truth is that in my heart and my mind I’m still focused on those things – things that happened months and even years ago. Mistakes I made, people I pushed out of my life with those mistakes. Some left indefinitely before I could figure out my mistake…some are never coming back.
In the process of getting through the pain of being where I was, I proceeded to shut myself away from those who were left, including my father. Then he unexpectedly died, and I did the same damned thing Dorie, and now she’s gone, too – thank goodness we were OK before she made her graceful exit from this world. And now…
Now? People – including me – believe that now is the only moment that truly matters. My now is saturated with a single, life damaging substance of emotion. Regret – the first regret I’ve ever had in my life, and hopefully the only one.
Nights are the hard part, the worst time. I can’t express the feelings and thoughts that come in the night and have them make sense, and that makes me feel so wound up and unsettled and crazy. But, like a child afraid of the dark, my fears seem to find that light kills them. That in itself is progress, to be perfectly honest. Morning comes and I’m ok…but then night falls again.
So I silently plead with them, “please, come visit me in my dreams. Bring light and color back to my nights. Your ghostly glow protects me from the uncertainties and the ugly monsters of my own un-forgiveness and guides me back to myself again… It helps me to see the truth to see your smile and to hear your voice, which otherwise I’ve almost forgotten already.
Your nebulous, radiant, shimmering spirit guides me home in my dreams, to the beauty of what I used to hope that the beyond was, and that’s the only reason I risk the dark in the first place; anymore, and forever. I need to find the beauty to stay alive…”
With that, all I’ve left to reflect on tonight is that I suppose now I’m moving into the harder bits of the You Can Heal Your Life book. I’m realizing that it’s not my life I’m worried about healing, so much as the lives that I might have/did hurt, including my own son. I can hardly live with that on my shoulders. I just can’t bear it anymore. But there’s nothing I can do but to bear it or to release it. For me, for now, for reasons I can’t seem to yet put into words, I can’t seem to do either.
In the night, I feel stuck. I feel hopeless and doubtful and like a hypocrite to the person I know I am in my heart when it’s day. I am, quite literally, night and day within myself. I don’t yet know what to do with that. How to reconcile it. How to validate it within me. Or whether I need to…because the process for me is to allow and to just be.
So why do I feel I must fight it? To fight it is to drown, to float and to flow is to survive… Or is it? Have I become completely delusional in my exhaustion? Probably, yes. So now, I try again to sleep…and to meet them there…