Today… Ugh. I wasn’t going to even waste my time writing about today, privately or publicly. The truth is, I threw my journal across the room and knocked the antlers off the table, which made a loud and scary sound and freaked out my poor Echo dog…who is supposed to be my emotional support dog. Ooops. These are the unpleasant effects of stress on my environment. I rarely throw things now that I’m a mature adult, but today… All I can do at this point is chuckle to myself and say, “ooops.”
Now, I can’t sleep, so here I am…
Today has been the hardest day I’ve had this year. I have kept it to myself, really, all day. I am getting good at (or worse because of) that. There were the obvious challenges with my mother, and there was bad news financially, and there was the inauguration, and all the obvious tension in the country; but the real struggle was that I had one of the worst flashbacks I’ve had in a while. I suppose it’s built up between the hospital triggers, financial strain, and being in my parents house so much lately… It was a hard day to begin with and then…
Today I came across a very old photo of me and Dorie at my mom’s and I completely lost it. I made it about something else, and I just excused myself to the outdoors and found myself hyperventilate-crying and forcing myself to stare up instead of down, somehow, because the sky and the trees calm me. I didn’t want to appear weak, or unworthy, or incapable, when I was meant to be in caregiver mode. It’s so hard doing this thing now without her. I know I can, and I have no choice but to. But it is so hard.
I share this not just because I can’t sleep with it hovering over me, but MOSTLY because I want to remind you (& me): It’s OK to lose it, to have a bad day, to break down; to admit your reality and to struggle with it. IT IS OK. Your internal struggle is yours – honor it by doing and being and feeling however you need to do and be and feel, as long as that doesn’t involve hurting someone else… Tomorrow is another day.
Here in Alabama tomorrow is forecasted to be about severe storms and flooding. Suitable. We’ll see if they got it right, but either way I approve. A nice book, some nice music, some puppy cuddles, a water fast, a soul purge…that’s my plan. I think (hope) it will be good. I definitely approve.
I hope you have a nice, beautiful, relaxing weekend, friends. You deserve it.