I haven’t done this in a very long time. I started a digital painting last night, over one of my shots from my walk in the woods yesterday. This is where it ended. Maybe it blows – I don’t know what to think of it. Ha… I suppose that my darkness took over my usual desire to see the brighter side of things…of ALL of these things.
Nothing is as dark as it seems – not from the outside of it all. Yet at times I do feel this enveloping feeling – almost a suffocation of things unseen…of the past, and of an uncertain future (who has a certain future, anyway, really?)…and in choosing to see or to show a brighter, more hopeful side I’m really just grasping blindly in front of me, hoping that it really looks the way I imagine it – light, which is the way I try to present it – to myself and everyone else. It works most days. But, I guess when it comes to digital painting, we see a more realistic current view inside my mind.
Twisted, right, for a woman who appears to have it all? That’s true on the surface and I’m not ungrateful. It’s just different from the inside, when I’m feeling invisible and completely irrelevant, feeling like a ghost even when I’m surrounded by many; and I sometimes think, “if I could just bring them back…” But how silly is that? Because in some cases it would be worse for them to be with me – and I’d only lose them all over again. So, onward, and allowing these moments to pass just as they came – ever flowing, always changing.
EVERYTHING is always illusion – especially emotions. That’s just how it works, and I know I’m not the only one. Or so I tell myself…
**Lumix GF3, Mextures, MasterFX, iPad.
Mextures Formula – STITTPQ